Feelings of regret and disillusionment plague me as I sit on the edge of my bed blankly staring off into space. I feel pulled back to reality but weighed down by the comfort offered by thoughtless nothingness. Not wanting to turn my eyes, my thoughts are absent and my mind clear. So why do I feel uneasy at doing nothing? Am I wasting my time? What is more important that I should be doing? Always unwilling to be fully present in each individual moment of my life. Giving excuse to my unrelenting desire to do nothing in the moment but be within, leads to the anxiety I feel at the pit of my stomach.
This gives a sense of laziness and anxiety for the lack of accomplishment in the moment. I’m not being constructive in the physical world, and the physical world draws back. The further I pull away, the further the world slips away. I should be doing something constructive, helping people, doing for others, but anchored to the bed my weight feels heavy. My body like a boulder, unable to move. The restlessness within yearns to be useful but the truth within longs to be set free.